Random Ramblings: I

Since we’re inching towards the start of a new year, I feel it’s best that I make a confession- well, something that’s less of a New Year’s resolution and more of a New Year’s self-reflection. Despite the positive and go-lucky front that I’ve built up, I have to admit that these past few months have been hell. Plenty of things have happened, such as my great aunt passing away, my cousin getting married, and the reality of graduation and moving out into the real world scaring me half to death.  But they aren’t the reasons as to why I’ve felt off. The focus is not on the cause, but rather it’s the effect.

I’ve thought long and hard about my own flaws and insecurities. I know it’s not a healthy practice, but I’ve allowed them to linger on my conscious for too long. I’ve thought about who I am, what I’m not, what I could be doing with my life, and who I don’t have a chance of becoming. It makes me sick. But strangely enough, this intense self-reflection has also inspired me to figure out what all I can do to make my life better. Before I do that, I need to be honest about my internal struggles:

  • I think I have social anxiety. Actually, I’m pretty sure I do. I realized this when I went to a bar downtown for a film-screener Christmas party a few weeks ago. I knew a few people, but I still spent an hour finishing a strawberry beer and looking through Facebook on my phone. Most times, I don’t know how to talk to people. I’m not super knowledgeable about sports, politics,  basic homemaking, etc. I’m usually afraid I’ll say something wrong, say something stupid, or just humiliate myself. I don’t have many interesting stories to tell, no good gossip or any insane tales of drunken debauchery. What have I to say? In my mind, I can’t contribute a single thing.
  • My issue is not in making friends, but in keeping them. If I don’t text my friends, then we may never speak again. Therefore, I feel like it’s always up to me. It’s more difficult seeing how one of my best friends lives in a different state. I understand that as life moves on, you lose touch with good friends and make new ones. I just don’t want this to happen frequently.
  • There’s a little voice in my head saying that even though I hang out with people, they don’t actually want to spend time with me. I’m not sure why I think this way, but maybe I’m just paranoid.
  • Although I like being alone, I often feel lonely. Romantically repressed may be better wording, actually. For seven years I’ve been single. I’ve received compliments from both men and women throughout my life, but I’ve never kissed a guy, have had only short-term boyfriend, and have only been on two dates total. My yearning for a strong romantic relationship has made me question my own beauty and body, and has led to silly envy of Facebook friends who are currently getting married, starting relationships, and even starting families. Seeing as how I have some experience, I know it’ll happen for me someday. I’ll know I’ll eventually run into a special guy. But I just don’t get how people get into relationships so easily.
  • I’m afraid I may not be interesting enough. I have simple interests: reading, writing, going to the movies, learning a new language, taking a hike on a beautiful day. My main worry is that they’re too simple. Do others consider me too boring? Would they want to hang out with me? I feel like I’m unique, but I’m not sure that’s how I truly am.

You can’t imagine how good it feels to finally put these thoughts onto paper (or at least into actual words). These waves of negativity flow through my veins, and it’s something that I hope to overcome this upcoming year. I hate to sound like I’m whining, but it’s best to get these concerns off my chest. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t let my fears and insecurities prevent me from being happy. I am perfectly capable of keeping friends and finding love. I just have to keep true to who I am.

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